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  • Writer's pictureClaire Timmermans

How to break old patterns and become yourself!

You easily get offended, you avoid discussions or you fiercely go against it and seek confrontation. You can’t set your own boundaries, you're so busy trying to be what everyone else wants you to be and this is breaking you up. You set very high demands for yourself, and possibly for others and become disappointed time after time.

Is there something that you recognize? This is not strange at all. These are old patterns: all kinds ways in which we can respond in certain situations.

What are old patterns?

A pattern is your response to a particular situation which is always the same. These patterns emerged very early in your childhood. And whether you want it or not, everyone has them. As a child you will have learned to act in a certain way to protect yourself. There are basically three strategies: flight, fight or freeze. As a child you often do exactly what your parents do or you choose a strategy based on what you are experiencing with your parents.

These strategies have helped you as a child, but now that you're an adult they can work against you. You find that you can't act or react in the way that you would actually want.

When the disadvantages outweigh the advantages

The advantages and the habituation of our patterns often make that we hold on to these habits. After all, they have brought us so far. However, if you end up in a relationship (partner, friend, colleague) or have children, you can experience the disadvantages of these patterns. For example, if you suddenly have to take another person into account. Then the old patterns of two people collide with each other and one or both get affected and hurt.

Are you, for example, someone who is used to adapt to the needs of others, to avoid arguments, rejection or abandonment? Then it may be that you have a partner who will easily put him or herself first. You give and your partner takes. Sooner or later this relationship will fail because the relationship is not equivalent. You may feel that you want it differently, you think and talk about it, maybe already tried many ways. But every time you notice, that when you are having hard times, you repeat doing the same, as always.

How to solve old patterns

The first step to solving your problems is realizing that you are stuck in a particular pattern. You have then already made a big step forward. Many people are hesitant and anxious to look at themselves critically to recognise they are stuck in certain patterns. You need to realize that your pattern is something that you do and is not something that you are.

The next step is to realize that you need to take action. And that can be very uncomfortable and frightening, it can trigger all kinds of unwanted emotions. Because you are going to do the opposite which you always used to do. You will learn to act according to your needs, learn to recognize them and do what you care about and what makes you happy.

Online Schema Therapy

Do you want to break old patterns but had no luck succeeding so far? We can help you as online psychologist to break your old patterns. Schema Therapy is a form of Cognitive Therapy that can help you to change existing patterns of behaviour, including how you deal with emotions, with yourself and with other people.

Are you interested and want to know more about Online Schema Therapy? Take the step and contact us via our contact form. You can start with a free consultation. Visit our website:

We will be pleased to help you to break old patterns, to be who you want to be and do what you really want to do.

online schematherapie: werken aan verbinding met anderen en jezelf

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